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The Worst Internet Things bracket

SB Nation 2015 Mar Madness Bracket

Midwest Region

This is by distant a toughest segment of a tournament.

SB Nation presents: The joint of awful Internet things, Midwest Region

(1) SOMEONE IM’ING YOU ON FACEBOOK. As many recently upheld along by Scientific Podcast Goes Boink: “Twitter is for amatory people you’ve never met, and Facebook is for hating people you’ve always known.” Facebook is mostly an awful place, done some-more awful by a incessant hazard (before we invalidate present messages) of your high propagandize crony creation your laptop ding and seeking we to come see his prog-rock rope with dual drummers, no singer, and a rapper in a VOTE FOR PEDRO shirt.

It’s done still some-more awful by a fact that a “read receipts” underline is on by default, so if you’ve review their IM and haven’t answered, they know it. This is a tip altogether seed, since review profits are a misfortune thing about a Internet. The right to omit people contingency be preserved. Anyway, if we get one of these IMs, chaperon everybody out of a building in that we live, bake it to a ground, and live in a timberland until we don’t hear airplanes anymore.

(16) LOCAL TV STATION WEBSITES. These are generally unlucky practice if you’re a freelance author struggling to compensate rent, since a half-done sentences and “they’re/their/there” errors turn a blade ever deeper. Some TV hire websites are ideally fine. Some will ask we to take 3 surveys and watch a blurb from your internal dentist and afterwards dump we in an essay full of Loren Ipsum.

(8) AD PLAYS, ACTUAL VIDEO DOESN’T. Out of principle, we don’t use ad blockers. This is one reason we will never censure anyone for regulating them.

(9) ATHEISTS WHO LOVE TO ARGUE. Here’s a fun one: tell them there’s a opening in a hoary record and afterwards immediately tongue-tied them. This will banish them to their possess specialized Hell, thereby disproving their argument.

(5) KICKSTARTERS FOR WEDDINGS. we swear on any fragment of journalistic firmness we have that we have seen people do this.

(12) TINDER PHOTO IS A GUY IN OAKLEYS WITH A FISH HE CAUGHT. Lady friends tell me that simply a third of Tinder photos are of men, generally prime men, display off fish they caught. They presumably are gunning for a “rugged outdoorsman” aesthetic, yet they’re rocking M-frame Oakleys, that takes in some-more of an “I buy my pants during Home Depot” direction.

(4) FACEBOOK RE-ARRANGING YOUR FEED. If email or books or anything else used algorithms to bork around with a sequence of your consumption, we wouldn’t mount for it. We put adult with it on Facebook since Facebook does not matter.

(13) ANY TIME AOL DOES ANYTHING. don’t buy vox don’t buy vox don’t buy vox don’t buy vox don’t buy vox don’t buy vox don’t buy vox don’t buy vox don’t buy vox don’t buy vox don’t buy vox don’t buy vox don’t buy vox don’t buy vox don’t buy vox don’t buy vox don’t buy vox don’t buy vox don’t buy vox don’t buy vox

(6) GOOGLE KILLING GOOGLE READER. Google Reader was my favorite amicable media network of all time. It was radically a best probable chronicle of what Facebook could have been. Then Google trash-canned it in an apparent bid to flock us all to Google+. And look, you’re reading this on Google+ right now! You’re even wearing a Google+ T-shirt, and we flew a Google+ to work this morning!

(11) PERSON ON EVERY GOTOMEETING CALL WHO IS BANGING A POT AND SHRIEKING. One person’s holding a good baby. Another has a dog who won’t close up. The presenter is station in a bathroom, towel over his face, vocalization 35 feet divided from a speakerphone done in 1996. Conference-calling is like swimming, in that tellurian beings clearly aren’t gonna get any improved during it, no matter how many time we’re given.

(3) LINKEDIN REQUEST FROM YOUR HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER. no

(14) JON BOIS’ TWITTER FEED. 1. Jon works on desirous plan that takes him a month, clarification he’ll give you, what, 4 pieces of calm in that time? 2. Jon repeats a same 8 or 9 gags over and over. 3. Jon tweets like someone who’s trapped in a room that won’t clear until he loses any one of his followers. It’s insufferable.

(7) ALL INTERNET DISCOURSE ABOUT BACON. “I am on Team Bacon! we have no ambience and we wish to belong. Bacon pizza.”

(10) MARCH MADNESS BRACKET REPURPOSING TROPES. Oh, so you’re too changed to usually list some things, God forbid. Yeah, leave that for BuzzFeed. You’re not like them.

(2) ITUNES. we suspicion we was a usually one who messed adult a sync and finished adult wiping an whole song library that we had spent years building, yet mixed friends have told me that they did a accurate same thing. iTunes is like carrying your palm hold by a drudge who wants to travel into a sea and die.

(15) 23-YEAR-OLD BACHELOR INSTAGRAMMING HIS FRIED EGGS. “Made eggs. Giggity giggity! #ForemanGrill #FamilyGuyQuotes”

West Region

This is by distant a toughest segment of a tournament.

SB Nation presents: The joint of awful Internet things, West Region

(1) POP-UP ADS ON ILLEGAL SPORTS FEEDS. They’re docile if we can fullscreen it, yet otherwise, a diversion you’re examination has to be Game 7 of a Super Bowl in sequence to presumably be value it.

(16) PERSON WHO TYPES “WOW” IN FRONT OF RETWEET. Wow. Just wow.

(8) ROUGHLY 85 PERCENT OF INTERNET MEN. You’re being yourselves and we wish we would stop.

(9) EVERYTHING LONGER THAN 4,000 WORDS. As someone who wrote a 43,000-word essay final year, we am one of a misfortune offenders of all. we don’t consider we’re engaging adequate to be articulate this much.

(5) VAPING. Yeah, we mean, vaping seems flattering foolish and all, with a reticent custom-built vape-rigs and whatever. But …

(12) PEOPLE WHO HATE VAPING. … they’re not perplexing to worry you, they’re usually some folks going off by themselves and dorking out over something they enjoy. They’re over there carrying fun and you’re over here clawing your damn eyeballs out in sour anguish. Everything is fun and flattering good solely for you.

(4). ANYONE WHO CHARGES MONEY FOR A “HOW TO BLOG” CLASS. Welcome to Jon’s Blogging School!
1. Work very, unequivocally tough and be prepared to not make income for a while
2. Look for things nobody is doing, and do that; don’t be fearful to aim high and tumble short
3. Learn how to Photoshop and make video and do other things like that, there’s lots of things for that on YouTube
4. Promote your things like you’re unapproachable of it, and if you’re not unapproachable of it, don’t get too down about it, since disaster is excellent and substantially necessary
5. Be nice

Thank we for attending Jon’s Blogging School!

(13) EXPERT VILLAGE VIDEOS THAT ARE SPLIT INTO 14 PARTS. This indeed would be a 1-seed if it still stood currently as a gigantic rabble glow it once was. If y’all missed out on 2008-era Expert Village … man, it’s a things that should be taught in school.

For example, there competence be a how-to video on how to make pancakes. This could be achieved with a three-minute video, yet Expert Village dragged a event out into a 12-minute epic, separate it adult into 45-second videos, uploaded them all to YouTube, and dumped 30-second ads in front of any one. They never done playlists or related to a rest of a videos, either, so examination them in sequence was scarcely impossible. They’re substantially still out there somewhere. It’s digital hurt porn.

(6) SOMEHOW ENDING UP ON ANSWERS.COM.
“Jesse Owens was innate on Sep 12th, 1913.”
[three rollover ads devour screen]“You won’t trust how many bullion medals he”
[click to subsequent slide]“won! Jesse Owens won over one million gold”
[nine video ads start auto-playing; your laptop’s processor melts and spills out of a USB ports]“trophies.”

(11) CRAIGSLIST DATING. Go use literally any other dating service. Go find intrigue literally anywhere else. Go accommodate someone on a Wikipedia speak page.

(3) PEOPLE WHO THREATEN TO UNFOLLOW CELEBRITIES. “Grandpa, how did we win this medal?” The aged man’s eyes welled with tears. “I followed Kanye West and found him annoying.”

(14) YELP REVIEWER WHO QUOTES THE “NO TIPPING” SCENE FROM RESERVOIR DOGS. The rarest of Pokemon is a chairman who misattributes this quote to Tyler Durden.

(7) OFFICIAL LIVE TV STREAMS THAT PLAY THE SAME FOUR ADS OVER AND OVER. Over a final year, we have seen a Aaron Rodgers “pump we up” State Farm ad some-more than we have seen my family.

(10) PODCAST MUSIC IS PODCASTER’S BAND RECORDED FROM PHONE. It is a ska band.

(2) MANUAL RETWEETERS. we substantially like you, yet we unequivocally like we if we don’t know what this means.

(15) BLOGGERS GOING ON CAMERA. When we went on camera to announce this bracket, we had to keep my cardigan on since there was a hulk toothpaste mark on my shirt. We are irredeemable.

South region

This is by distant a toughest segment of a tournament.

SB Nation presents: The joint of awful Internet things, South Region

(1) BRANDS. Every holiday eventually loses a dictated spirit. Christmas has a commercialism, Easter has a Easter bunny, and Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day has dozens of brands desperately crawling over one another to repurpose a Civil Rights Movement to sell stuff. They take turns throwing themselves on a inferno any singular year since they are stupid.

(16) ANYONE WHO STARTS ANYTHING WITH, “SORRY, FOLKS.” We unequivocally don’t need any some-more reprehension on a Internet. Except for this bracket. We need this bracket, and afterwards no some-more reprehension after that.

(8) PEOPLE WHO COMPLAIN ABOUT BUZZFEED. we wish they would find a some-more distinguished font/shade with that to credit folks, sure. By and large, though, they’re creation things that people enjoy, and distinct many sites of their kind, they don’t carpet-bomb their pages with ads that make their pages unnavigable. Please note that you’ll rarely, if ever hear a non-creating Internet user bemoan about BuzzFeed. If you’re angry about them, you’re substantially someone who creates Internet things yourself. You should be some-more like them, since people suffer them a lot!

(9) MAYOR OF YOUR CITY CITES BUZZFEED. This is admittedly unfortunate, though. 14 Reasons Why Knoxville Is The Best City In The World!

(5) GCHATTERS WHO HIT ENTER AFTER EVERY THIRD WORD. You step divided from your computer. From a other room, we hear it: DINK. DINK. DINK DINK DINK. DINK. DINK DINK. DINK. Maybe all your friends usually saw a President twitter during we and ask we if we wish to eat pizza and play Mario Kart! Or maybe Brandon from work is meditative about examination Chopped.

(12) PEOPLE WHO COMPLAIN ABOUT BLEACHER REPORT. it’s a good site that i spasmodic enjoy

(4) RESTAURANT WEBSITES. The sole difference is the website for my sandwich shop, of that we am unequivocally proud. We are closed.

(13) FUTURISTS. Spencer wanted me to put this one in. we don’t remember why. Maybe they will know since in a future.

(6) WRITERS WHO TRY TO BE MADDOX. This isn’t a problem it used to be, we don’t think, so it’s usually a 6-seed. In a progressing days of a Internet, Maddox was one of a usually hugely manifest Internet Writers. In a proto-Internet full of tedious essay and invalid crud, Maddox was doing his possess thing, and doing it unequivocally well. He competence not be your bag, and is usually infrequently mine. In any case, thousands of Internet Dudes motionless to try to be him though unequivocally bargain what done him good, and a formula were metric tons of a many furious, obscene, offensive, and lifeless essay there’s ever been.

(11) CROSSFIT MESSAGE BOARDS. Lemme enhance this clarification usually slightly, since we feel like pity this:

(3) COLLEGE FOOTBALL FANS WHO TWEET AT HIGH SCHOOL RECRUITS. no

(14) FOLLOW-UP EMAILS FROM PR PEOPLE. This is kind of a lush entry, that is since it’s a 14-seed, yet my phone buzzes 10 times a day on comment of emails from PR people seeking me to foster God-knows-what. Half of them are “I usually wanted to follow-up” emails that drag a guts of a strange email behind them like a cloak. we once had a PR chairman email me, send four follow-up emails, and call me “unprofessional” for ignoring them.

(7) SOMEONE ASKING “DID YOU GET MY EMAIL” IN REAL LIFE. “No. we do not possess a computer.”

(10) ROLLOVER ADS THAT WON’T GO AWAY AND TELL YOU YOUR OPINION MATTERS. No it doesn’t, as evidenced by a fact that we am perplexing to watch a video shot from someone’s phone of a stage in Home Improvement when a child tells Tim Taylor that “Tool Time” is some-more like “Fool Time.” My opinion could not matter less.

(2) OBAMA’S TWITTER MENTIONS. bad

(15) NEW PARENTS ON FACEBOOK. Actually, I’m gonna call an heard and change this to, “people who protest about new relatives on Facebook.” That is unequivocally entry-level “joyless Internet lump” material. we am a beast we hate.

East region

This is by distant a toughest segment of a tournament.

SB Nation presents: The joint of awful Internet things, East Region

(1) R*DSK*NSFACTS.COM. That site is partial of Dan Snyder’s bid to column adult his injustice and culture-marginalizing for prolonged adequate to sell a few some-more sweatshirts. we didn’t couple to a site. Instead, that couple goes to what is substantially my favorite video on YouTube. It’s from a 1994 high propagandize football game. If we haven’t seen it, afterwards ohhhh man, we will not bewail a 5 mins we give it.

(16) YOUTUBE LEGAL DISCLAIMERS UNDER UPLOADS OF “THRILLER” THAT SAY “I DID NOT MAKE THIS SONG.” we indeed adore these. They’re here since we wanted to move them up.

(8) ANYTHING ABOUT STAR WARS. It’s Star Wars night during a ballpark! Dress adult like your favorite Star War! Every Star Wars film is bad.

(9) SPOTIFY AD INTERRUPTS AQUEMINI. The $10 it takes to grasp an ad-free Spotify knowledge are a best $10 we spent any month.

(5) DR. HORRIBLE’S SING-ALONG BLOG. we feel like maybe we should extend freedom for those among us who endorsed Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog to a rest of us. Some of us are lousy during math, some of us can’t run fast, and some of us have terrible taste. Who among us, and all that.

(12) GOOGLE MAPS TELLS YOU TO TAKE THE C TRAIN. If you’re perplexing to get home in New York and you’re ostensible to take a C, usually take literally any other train. Get off during any stop with a name we like, hit on someone’s door, and ask if we can live with them.

(4) GCHAT BREAKUPS. don’t

(13) WEB-FUNDED DOCUMENTARIES WITH SOUNDTRACKS THAT ARE JUST WHISTLING. Either whistling, or acoustic-guitar strumming with some twentysomething doof singing “hey-oh! oh-oh-oh!” over it. we recently gave a few bucks to a Kickstarter for a documentary that looked unequivocally intriguing, usually to find it was shaped with a cultured hold of a bank commercial.

(6) YANKEES WRITING THINKPIECES ABOUT THE SOUTH. “The South is a land of many contrasts. we was in Atlanta’s airfield one time. Louisville is subsequent to Memphis.”

(11) HATE-FOLLOWING. It ain’t good for you.

(3) BASEBALL TWITTER DURING SPRING TRAINING. It’s mostly usually fans removing in reticent fights and kick reporters pity grainy, long-distance photos taken by a chain-link blockade of David Freese like he’s a dang Sasquatch.

(14) HOCKEY TWITTER DURING THE NBA FINALS. Insecurity issues abound. It’s excellent for a competition to be a third- or fourth-best sport! That means it’s still a flattering good sport!

(7) COORS LIGHT REVIEWS ON BEERADVOCATE. Years ago we done a incursion into beer-snobbery and found that it was deeply unrewarding. A growler of Old Man Inquisitor Excoriationist Old Sea Shipwater Man XLVIIIIIIII Ale Stoutale Nitro Interlocutor Behemoth Alestout is great, sure, yet so is a can of crummy light drink on a prohibited day. Every drink is flattering good.

(10) COMMENTER ON EVERY DUNK VIDEO WHO SAYS “THAT WAS A TRAVEL.” We in this margin of work impute to them as “dunk truthers.”

(2) WOMEN BEING ASKED THINGS AND THEN BEING CORRECTED WHEN THEY ANSWER. don’t do this

(15) SPORTSWRITERS TWEETING FROM AIRPORTS. I’ve pronounced this before, yet we as sportswriters unequivocally need to keep on a low with a grievances. Just sensitively do a work and not get noticed. When a inefficiencies of a multitude are absolved of, a jobs will initial on a chopping block. Who needs a garland of jerkholes removing between them and a sports? Nobody, really. We need to unequivocally sensitively float this understanding out until a wrong chairman notices and does divided with this whole invalid industry. we mean, do you know how to work a cavalcade press? we don’t!

SB Nation presents: The many critical things in life

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